How to write eulogies - how to write a eulogy

Eulolgies: A to Z

Am I a professional eulogy writer? You betcha! I never planned to be one, I didn't take courses to be one, I didn't read how-to-books on the subject, and I didn't volunteer to be one. But I am a eulogizer, and this is how it all came about.

My mother, a jewel of a person, asked me to give a eulogy for her funeral halfway through her eight-month ordeal of dying from lung cancer. Of course, I couldn't refuse, so I immediately began to jot down notes about what I would say. As I observed her deteriorate towards death, her ungodly pain requiring loads of morphine, I couldn't bring myself to sit down at a desk and write about her life. So, even though I'd had four month's warning, I wrote her eulogy the day before I gave it. I finished the thing at 2:00 a.m. the morning of her funeral, alone, full of caffeine, leaning over the computer in my teenaged son's “den,” a place so cluttered it seemed more like a den of iniquity than a sanctuary. What I produced pleased my family and audience so much, after the funeral I was asked to submit it to the state's flagship newspaper, The Charleston Gazette, where it was selected, along with an interview, to be the feature article for Mother's Day five weeks after her death. My destiny was sealed and I've since been asked to eulogize two other relatives and two special friends. Of course, it's work, but it's also an honor. As we all know, the more you do anything, the better you get at it. I invite you to see my growth as you read through each of the five eulogies I have presented.

Let me share with you my ideas about what I've learned and what I've used to make my eulogies something special. I don't want to spell out hard-and-fast rules—there are none; but the task will be easier for you if you follow some simple dos and don'ts. In many instances you won't have weeks, but only days or hours to complete your eulogy.

Let me help you—as a physician, am I not a professional helper? First of all, stiffen your upper lip. You must set your grief aside until the eulogy can be written and delivered. If that is not possible, tame it somewhat—hide in a closet with a pillow over your face and sob, sob, sob. It is okay to give in to deep emotion which may bring out a poetic side to your writing, but don't drown the pages in the process. Whatever the case, be sure to write the eulogy from the heart. By the way, you have my permission to use any word, phrase, idea, format, or any other thing you may find useful from the five eulogies I've written and given about real people: my friends and loved ones, lovingly remembered.

DOS & DON'TS:

1.	Make it simple. Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address on the back of a used envelope as the train chugged westward toward the battlefield. Use your own style of writing. Pretend you're talking to a close friend. A conversational style is pleasing to grieving ears. Know your audience and match your words accordingly so that everyone will understand what you're saying. If you have to look the word up in the dictionary, select another one. Simplify your ideas. Avoid allegories that only a few will comprehend. Don't be afraid to use a few good clichès. This is not literature, and in a time of grief, a well placed clichè makes an audience feel comfortable.
2.	Double space and use a big font with bold type and capital letters on your manuscript to make the reading easier.
3.	Add humor. Isn't laughter one of the best medicines? People can cry and laugh at the same time. A humorous anecdote from your experience with the deceased can lighten the heavy load some of your audience is carrying. But remember: if you're in a church, synagogue, or mosque, keep it clean. Grandma can't hear, right? Unless you say something foul or ugly.
4.	Keep it short. I hate it when the preacher pulls out of his file cabinet the old, worn out standard funeral sermons for the teacher, the businessman, the farmer. Get my drift? Make your eulogy personal. Highlight the person's character, not character flaws. Talk about the uniqueness of the deceased and express values that were important to the person. Tell stories of your experiences with the one who is no more. Then, after you write the first draft of your eulogy, see if you can cut a third of it away. You'll then avoid the trap of being long-winded, loose-tongued, and boring.
5.	Make it not only short, make it sweet. A funeral is a time when families need to pull together, so don't open up old wounds. Remember the adage, “If you can't say anything good about someone, don't say anything at all.” Better yet, stick to the Golden Rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” I remember one funeral where a distraught son got up to eulogize his mother who'd also died of lung cancer. He shocked his audience when he began, “Don't weep for my mother. She killed herself with those damned cigarettes.” He then sat down, leaving his family speechless and horrified.
6.	Involve the family. Try to say something about the deceased that ties into the lives and memories of the survivors, something that is uplifting to them and recognizes their contribution or relationship to the departed.
7.	Bring comfort when you speak. Practice your speech over and over so that you will be desensitized to the sadness you feel and to the solemness of the occasion, thus avoiding an emotional breakdown that will then spread through your audience. Practice enough so that you won't stumble over your words. You will feel confident knowing you are prepared. If you are terrified to speak in front of groups, practice some relaxation exercises to calm your nerves. Don't forget to breathe. Breathe deeply for a few moments before you speak. Drink plenty of water beforehand. Speak slowly and softly, but loud enough for everyone to hear you. Make eye contact with your audience when you can. Their attention is focused on you.
8.	Dress up for your presentation. Borrow or rent some appropriate clothes if you don't own any. Please, no hairy legs and chests, belts below the waist, or miniskirts and cleavage. I must sound like your mother, but remember to wash and comb your hair. If your parents can't be proud of the way you look, you blew it. Death and dying is dignified. Make yourself look dignified.
9.	Bring your eulogy to a conclusion. End on a high note. Incorporate your religious or personal beliefs into an ending that gives the mourner a way out emotionally, knowing that the deceased is in a better place, or that the life was well lived, or that the departed, though young, left a legacy of accomplishments and memories that all can cherish.
10.	Time limit: ten minutes, tops. If you can't say it in ten, revise until you can.

Sound easy? Of course it isn't. But what an exhilarating experience when you have given the departed a gift that will be remembered and talked about by your family and friends for years to come. And just like I have been, you will be strengthened and comforted. Now go to it. You can do this! And who knows, your first eulogy may start you, too, on the road to becoming a professional eulogy writer.